“Yea, Yea. Fine. Ok.
I know your people have been oppressed by mine and it isn’t fair
and it hurt you, but What about —?”
“What about —?”
is never the right response
in a discussion about harm,
marginalization, or oppression.
It signals that you intentionally
want to change the subject,
make it be about yourself,
duck the original comment,
or generally be an ass.
Stay present.
Your presence is essential to meaningful dialogue,
to bearing witness and letting someone
bear witness to you
rather than to your posturing
or reactivity.
It’s a present to yourself to
give yourself a chance to
learn or grow
or both.
What about —?
employed to win a point in a moment
has a net loss to communication,
integrity,
relationship.
It’s ok to not have an answer
in a particular moment.
Defensiveness is a distraction.
Instead of What about —?
maybe just say,
“Hmmm, I’m going to think about that.”
Or,
“Thanks for bringing it up.”
Or,
“That point took me by surprise. Can I get back to you?”
Lean in with the values you hold dear.
For me, that means
Integrity. Honor. Relationship.
Hard Truth Held Gently.
When hard things come,
don’t duck
or deflect.
Accept and reflect.
And again.
Reflect.
What values do you lean into when having a difference of perspective, opinion, or conflict over someone’s experience of harm?