Self-care, judgment, and social media
When someone says something on the Internet that upsets me, my first thought is usually a judgmental one. I make an assessment about the writer based on how I interpret their words. Where I put inflection as I read. Or perhaps inflection doesn’t matter and there is no room for nuance in what they write, and then my judgment is about their intent, and extends to what else they might believe.
I don’t mean trolls, people who intentionally attempt to cause emotional and political harm, but regular people who are speaking from what they have been taught, even when it is harmful. Who speak from a corner of the internet where they are surrounded by people who tell, and repeat, lies that uphold their understanding of their place in society, their privilege. It’s often the smallest bit of privilege they have – white privilege, male privilege, heterosexual privilege. People are taught to perceive through a lens not of their own making, and they write things on the internet, and then I get to decide how I approach them.
With these “regular people” the smallest misunderstanding, misreading of a word, or assumption of who it is that speaking can lead me to make mistakes, to be impulsive, or to abandon my own commitment to articulating clear truth with love, and take action balanced with self-care.
I have not yet learned how to not have that instant assessment. I think that it is part of how our brains work. Evolution favored humans that could notice danger and not daydream while the danger ate them. It’s a natural process that we assess situations for comfort and risk, similarity and difference. But that doesn’t have to be the end of the story. We don’t have to believe our assessments.
Instead of trying to stop myself making those assumptions and assessments and judgments in the first place, I make myself notice the assumptions I have made. And then try to not believe everything I think just because I thought it and I generally believe that I’m a smart person, therefore I am right (the worst kind of circular logic).
And then I ask myself, “What else do I need to know to find out if I am right about these assumptions. What questions do I need to ask? And what will it mean if I am wrong about who this person is, or what they meant by what they said?” This curiosity must be pretty intentional, as my reactive brain would prefer to barrel along.
Once I have done this, and sometimes it doesn’t even take very long, then I am in a better position to respond to the statement that upset me in the first place.
I will have a reaction, that is natural. But I do not have to react. I can reflect and be curious. I can ask questions, of myself and others both.
I can slow down.
There’s a lot going on in our world and our country.
A.
LOT.
And we need to be socially and politically engaged for the long-haul, and that means we need to be mindful of how and when and where we interact with people and ideas, relationships, and actions. It is self-care not to let our brains go into emergency mode every time someone says something harmful and/or untrue on the internet. I don’t mean we don’t call people on it, I mean we try to do so from a place that is grounded in our own well-being, in their actual life/context (as much as we can tell) and grounded in what we need in that moment to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly. Those three things are in balance, yes? And we have to take a breath to notice what we need.
The owners of programs, apps, and products on the internet make money from our using it. It’s in their interest, not ours, when we think, process, and react at the speed of the internet and not the speed of our own minds and hearts and lives.
So, I regularly practice my own personal #SocialMediaSlowDown. I invite you to as well.
~CB